I have always been a strong person and planning out almost anything is part of my nature. But losing you and being forced to plan your home-going service was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I was so lost and broken when you went away. I met with this person and that person to plan for your day, but I was truly in a zone and I didn’t think I had the willpower to endure this. I still could not believe that this was your story. I cried and cried and cried again, and all my hope was gone. I was a huge walking mess. Even though you were my big sister, you were a mother to me in many ways because of the age gap between us. Growing up, living my life without you was not even a distant thought that crossed my mind but the time had finally come for us to part. Your spirit had already left your body, but we needed to care for your shell. God called you home to be with Him, and I was left here trying to pull myself together to say my final goodbye. I had to pull from deep within to prepare for this painful day and my new future without you.
I had never experienced loss and pain like this before. This was a new journey that I had to embark on, but it was so very difficult for me to do. I had to live one day at time, but I felt myself getting deeper and deeper into a big black hole of darkness as depression began to set in. I was lost! I was also angry at God. I still loved God, but I was mad and I didn’t want to talk to HIM, to pray, to go to church, or do much of anything at that time. I still loved God, but I felt His decision to take you away and not heal you really let me down. After I distanced myself from God, I really started to feel empty. I didn’t want to work, and when I did eat, it was nothing but junk. I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, nor did I want to do any of things that I had once enjoyed. I felt myself falling, and falling deeper into this hole which was a scary place to be.
One day I thought to myself: If I do not fight, I will lose everything that I love and have worked so hard for. If I do not fight, I will keep falling deeper into this dark, cold, and lonely place that I have found myself hidden in. If I do not fight, I will make it that much more difficult for me to get out of this place. If I do not fight, then Satan wins. He is trying to make me lose my mind and then destroy me completely. At that very thought, I began to speak life over myself.
Every day I had to remind myself to fight for my life. I had to fight for my son because he needed his mother back. I had to fight for my family to show them that we can get past this hurt and pain. I had to fight for myself so I could start living again. When the enemy can isolate you from others, he is well on his way to making his attacks against you prosper. Each day I pressed my way to crawl out of this deep, dark hole and with each climb, I gave Satan a black eye. Fight for it, I told myself. I forced myself to communicate with others and go out with my friends to have fun. I forced myself to do normal day-to-day activities. Slowly I was able to climb out of this deep place and smile again. I began to laugh again. I began to breathe again. I began to live again. I began to pray again. I began to let the anger go, and I became even closer to God than I was before. The funny thing is that even though I was angry at God, He never stopped loving, protecting, and providing for me. He was still right there with me the entire time.
Now, because of God’s unconditional love for me, I can proudly say, I climbed all the way out of that dreadful place, never to return again. I defeated the plans of the enemy! I now make it my mission to live life to the fullest and help pull as many others out of that dark place as I can. This is what my sister would have wanted me to do anyway, right? I still miss her dearly. The loss of her not being here with me is still great, but I am no longer lost in life.
Live for today because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Help someone else live along the way. God bless you!