By: Cindy Stepanek (Guest Blogger)
As the surgeon looked into my eyes, he said, “Your knee is right where it is supposed to be. I don’t want you to think I am talking down to you but your problem is that you are impatient. You have unrealistic goals and expectations. A knee replacement is a hard surgery. You have to give it time to heal.”
Although I was happy to hear my knee was fine, I didn’t like being told I was impatient or that I had unrealistic goals and expectations. I knew it took courage for him to be honest with me and deep down I knew he was right. It was time to take a good look at my behaviors and myself over the last 6 weeks.
I thought about the day my husband and I walked at the mall. I managed to walk 1.83 mph. Jokingly I looked at him and said, “I am pretty sure I am faster than a turtle.” Later, researching turtles I discovered they walk 3-4 mph. I can still feel the sting of disappointment when I realized I was slower than a turtle. Each time I checked off another goal I fought back feeling irritated with myself. I was chasing turtles.
One of the most eye opening moments came in the form of a late night text from my daughter. She wanted to inform me the book I had written, received a 5 star review on Amazon. She also wanted me to know that it was now available on Walmart.com and selling in the UK. Although I was thankful for the reader’s kind words, I couldn’t shake the familiar feeling of disappointment in myself.
I thought about some of my major achievements and how dissatisfied I was once I accomplished them. I wanted to be a wife but I never seemed to feel good enough. I wanted to be a mom but I made mistakes. I wanted to be a nurse but sometimes I wasn’t as patient as I should have been. I wanted to win the Florence Nightingale award. I was disappointed to discover the award didn’t make me any better. Becoming an author has been a life long dream of mine. Once The Master Weaver and Me was published, I was again disappointed in myself. I was still me, with all my flaws.…
In the end, I had to look in the mirror and admit I had made a career out of chasing turtles. I spent my entire life, checking off goal after goal with the unrealistic expectation of becoming the new improved Cindy. I believed Jesus could not possibly love me with all my flaws.
Those thoughts are lies the enemy uses to prevent me from knowing who I am and that Jesus loves me. The Bible is filled with imperfect people that are loved by God. Jesus doesn’t want me chasing turtles so He can love me. He wants to love me just as I am.