By: Thelesia Wynter
It’s been five years since we broke up. I know you’ve moved on and so have I but honestly I think about you all the time. At the strangest moments. I have no idea who you are anymore. I remember the guy I knew but you could be someone completely different. I know I’m different. But when I think of you I still see you as you were back then. It feels so familiar and so close, even though you are so far and it’s been so long.
Sometimes I imagine seeing you out, maybe at the grocery store and what that would be like. I imagine you smiling at me like you use to, causing me to feel like a little girl inside, shy and nervous. We’d talk and I would finally see in your eyes, the worth I always wanted. You would finally see… me. You’d see how beautiful I am, how amazing I am. Everything I wanted you to see in our relationship.
This will probably never happen and I’m ok with that. I’m not writing these words to you to ask anything of you. I’m writing to you to apologize. I’m sorry. I really am. I expected so much from you. I wanted so much from you. I wanted you to be everything to me, because I felt like I had nothing. I felt so empty inside. So broken. I know you felt it and I know you saw it because you would ask things like “why are you so negative and so sad all the time?”. I wanted you to come into those places and be what I needed. But at the same time I wanted to pretend like those places didn’t exist. I didn’t know how to let you in and I blamed you for that.
I’m sorry for pushing you away, for not being honest, I’m sorry for not giving you space and accusing you of not being there for me. I’m sorry for making you my everything. I set you up for failure. I gave you a mission that you could never complete. What I needed to do at that time was be alone. I needed to let myself break and find the courage to allow God to simply love me.
After so long, I still have such tenderness when I think of you and I suspect it’s because I gave so much, so much that didn’t belong to you. It was never your responsibility to heal me, or to give me identity. I would have never said I looked to you for those things out loud, but I did and for that I am sorry.
Lord my heart is yours. I have given it to many, in hopes to find what ultimately only you can give. The pain and the loss from my childhood caused me to look for love in places that never would fulfill me. Only intimacy with you satisfies the longings of my heart, in the most pure and fulfilling way. I need you, you alone complete me. I pray that you remind me of this anytime I try to find what only you can give me in relationships or friendships. I pray for any woman who experienced loss and feels the pain of not being loved the way they need. I pray they turn to you and believe your love is more than enough. In you we are loved. In you we are cherished. In you we are complete.