By: Christine Fishel
Dear God, why?! What are you doing? Why are you allowing this to happen? I need her! That’s my only safe place! Why would you take it away from me?
Look at me.
I know, I know: You know what you’re doing. I believe that. I trust you. I really do. But I need that one area of my life to stay calm. It’s the only calm area in my life right now. Everything else feels like it’s falling apart.
Look at me.
I already know what you’re going to say. I need to trust you. In actions, not just in words.
Look at me.
I don’t want to look at you.
Look at me.
I sound like a toddler. Oh geez. I had this same conversation yesterday with a toddler who wanted to be dangerous on the playset. He wanted to swing to the stars, higher, higher, too high for his young two years.
He didn’t know any better. It was my job to protect him, but he didn’t want to listen. I had to kneel in front of him, calmly take his hand, gently say, “Look at me.”
Look at me.
I’m acting like a toddler. I’m sorry.
Look at me.
I really don’t want to look at you.
I’m sad. I’m so sad. This is hard. I really don’t want to go through this. I don’t want things to change.
I trust you, though. I really do. “For I know the plans I have for you,” you tell me. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I trust you. You’ve proven yourself to me so many times.
“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” That’s what you say to me. You will listen to me. Even when I don’t want to listen to you.
I’ve been afraid to listen. If I look at you, then I know I will be compelled to listen. If I listen, I will see change happening. Change that isn’t easy, but will be good in the long run. But not easy.
Yes.
Does it have to be this way? Do things really have to change?
Yes.
Okay.
Okay, I trust you.
Okay, I will trust you.
One reply on “Dear God, Why?!”
This resonates with me.
The “look at me” – why is it so hard to look at the One who loves us the most???
Fear is the answer for me.
Fear of not being good enough, fear of not being accepted.
Not knowing how to sit still and allow God to love me.
I know what the Scriptures say- that I’m forgiven, His daughter, fearfully and wonderfully made.
Those truths have difficulty getting from my head to my heart; to the child inside of me who desperately wants love and acceptance. She is still there, even though the body has aged; that wounded girl’s soul is still there.
Ever so slowly she is learning that she is okay, that what happened is not her fault and that despite everything that has happened, “It is well with my soul”.