By: Marisa Saenz (Guest Blogger)
Well, here I am again.
Three more days, and it will be the anniversary.
I think I am doing a great job at pretending everything is okay. Why not? It’s year five for me. (Not that I’m counting.) The fact that I am getting “weepy” or “emotional” at the drop of a hat has nothing to do with her death. That’s long enough to grieve for someone. Right? It gets tiring and emotionally draining to stay in a state of sadness. Who wants that? So why not “just move on with my life?”
Of course, walking the walk, and talking the talk, are two different entities, we all know that.
This day was going to be no different than any other day. It was just the day. Maybe I could sleep all day. No one would notice. No. That’s not healthy. I need to eat. Don’t I?
Then, here I am again, in the real world, with my real friends, who are holding me up. It’s her anniversary. My inner community, my friends, and neighbors are gentle with me. They see my brokenness, even though I have spoken to no one about it. There is an unseen trust and genuine comforting of others.
This year was going to be different, I said. “I am going to be strong. Brave….like a warrior. I can do this.”
So I have been planning lots of distractions. Building up all my work, volunteer opportunities, meetings, books I have to read, movies I need to watch, and recipes I must to cook. (Oh, and the associates degree I should earn.) Yes, I know the roller coaster when the anniversary date comes around.
One thing I forgot to put on that list? Breathe and relax.
Sounds simple, huh?
When my mother first died, I felt my world crumble. It was like living in a glass house. My world shattered. I felt exposed, raw, and vulnerable following the few months after her dying. (Actually, it was hard to say the words aloud, I was so devastated.) My closest friends came to me. They knew my mother was the most important person in my life.
In the years that followed my mother’s passing, I learned many things about our relationship.
- Being honest with others and with yourself is always the easiest route. There are always other ways to get to truth – it might end in pain.
- Having a great attitude is helpful, not necessary. If a person is feeling sad, angry, defeated, happy, joyful, etc…let them take time to show that emotion.
- Relaxation is key. Happy mind = happy heart = happy body = you live longer.
- When the going gets tough, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.
- Learning to take time for yourself and knowing your vulnerability is strength. Let yourself look into that shattered mirror, and see the beautiful broken pieces of God’s art. Let God be able to strengthen your brokenness with His Divine Love.