When you grow up in a mess, you tend to be a mess, attract messes, carry a mess around with you and cater to thoughts that are a mess. I remember when I started to write this, I was very angry with being compared to other women by the guy I was dating at the time. I was a mess and he thought it was funny to not only mock my childhood, and said I had “daddy” issues, but he also thought it was funny to compare me openly to other women and made a point to stare at the women around me and then look back to me for my “messy” response!
I always gave it to him… Jealousy, rage, defeat, insecurity – they all ruled me in that moment, each time he did it. I have changed a lot since then, however, the scar that was left over from that situation has formed into a shield. And I protect that scar sometimes to a fault. I am glad I found this poem to read again because it is a great reminder that while I struggled with these feelings, was able to come back to focusing on my true identity.
I have been living in an insecure world
where another woman’s beauty
makes me question who I am.
Fighting to feel secure in knowing;
I don’t need the approval
of any woman or man.
smashing thousands of perfect
half-dressed women in my face.
I turn away,
refusing to follow the hype,
or give in to the perfect woman rat race.
My self-worth should be found in knowing
I am honored and loved by my creator.
I pray for humility
to overcome ego and pride;
to come save me and be my mediator.
I will have freedom
from the chains that have bound me
to feeling like less than enough.
I will pull up the deep roots
and love the way I have been called to love.
I am a strong, beautiful, honest,
trustworthy, caring and God-fearing woman.
I will dare to rip up
the tangled self-loathing web
society, and I, have woven.
The lies, destruction and chaos
that have tried to steal my joy,
will be put to rest.
I will be free, I will be ok with simply me,
because I am enough, I am His.
and He made me to be my best.
Cestiny Crowther (Beuerlein) 2014
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