To Be OK or Not To Be

By: Lovely Marie

 I’m keenly aware of the pain that comes with Mother’s Day. It’s not the pain of not having children nor of them having children to celebrate. It’s the gut-wrenching knot of longing for my mother.  

What would I call her?  

  • Mom?  
  • Momma?  
  • Mother?  

What would I gift her?  

  • Time?  
  • Flowers?  

Would I handmake her something?  

  • Gold?  

She is as elusive as the thoughts and knowledge of such a relationship.  

In my mind’s eye we are best friends and laugh at inside jokes.  

We have that same crooked smile when we are genuinely happy. I would look up to her and take her sound advice. We would drink coffee share stories and recipes,  

When I cry she would pray with me, hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.  

She is a fantasy. She does not exist.  

I thank God he has blessed me with 3 adult daughters and 9 grandchildren. By His grace and mercy I can face today, tomorrow, and look back at yesterday in pain with that hole in my identity and existence.  

I’m going to be okay after I cry.  

I learned you can only cry so much eventually you have to blow your nose and drink water. 

I get to feel.  

I get to grieve that empty place.  

I will never be filled with my bio mother’s love.  

God’s love for me and his forgiveness to me allows me to extend it to her.  

Believe in God. Believe in love. 

When it hurts so bad in between your tears and gasps of air say “Jesus help me” and if words don’t come out only think the name of Jesus help me. He is as close as the mention of His name.  

You are going to be okay. 

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