Earnest Enough to be Honest

By: Lovely Marie

In prayer this morning thanking God for peace. I ask Him to deliver me, use me, try me or even reprove me. I am His.  

I’m looking for my soon coming King. Finding rest and comfort at His feet. I am a new creature in Christ all things have passed away; behold all things are new. I hear a question in my spirit. Am I earnest enough?  

I remember when I was recovering from 360 spinal fusion, I was not able to walk. I cried unto the Lord in pain. I needed medication just to get up. The slippery slope of addiction teased me as I took the Percocet every four hours; documenting it to keep myself accountable. I was flat on my back in pain not even able to get up to use the restroom unless I took those meds. My directive from the Holy Ghost was to stay in the presence of God.  

I had been trained by this when I went through my divorce in 2015. I cried every day for six months straight. I got a 3-day notice from my HOA for loud wailing and crying as the Lord healed my broken heart. That is another story of victory for another time.  

There is a story in the bible about The Pool of Bethesda. When an angel troubled the water the first person in would be healed. A man who had been paralyzed for 38 years lay by the side of the pool he could not get up or in without help.  

I continued to thank God that I am safe. I have food. I have love. I have hope. I have wonderful children. I have wonderful grandchildren. I have a husband who adores me, takes care of me and prays for me.  

I am humbled knowing that a broken little girl who was unwanted, neglected, beat, sexually abused, and had food withheld from her could actually be in the presence of God in prayer.  

One of my abusers died August 4, 2022.  She was my 100% biological sister, same mother same father. That bio mother was actually at her bedside when she died. I was not notified or even allowed to go to the service much less even invited. I had forgiven her before her death. She had refused to ever talk to me. She had a partner in San Fransico and she had become a very successful VP of Operations in her company where she was employed.  

It is now October and I’m addressing those secret places of pain where I had told Christ I was earnest enough to be healed. I have been holding in the desperation of loss from not having a foundation from the institution of family or community for that matter.  

I have understanding today that Christ is my foundation I have been grafted in. He is my father and mother. One plants another waters but its God who gives the increase.  

I have been a tough nut to crack and pretended to be tough and that nothing bothers me. That is what the world trains you to do. Man looks on the outward appearance and God looks at the heart.  

My heart is broken at times. I feel it and pray and wait for inspiration. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *