Sharing this blog from one of the leaders in the field of Narcissistic Mothers. Wow does it ever ring true for so many women I know. Read and then let me know your thoughts.
by Katherine Fabrizio
Your mother has issues. Boy, does she have issues..controlling, intrusive, boundary crossing and critical just to name a few. You, on the other hand, are the sensitive, attuned and empathetic daughter. Unlucky for you, this combination makes for a toxic dynamic that can be holding you back from living your best life. It could be stealing your happiness in ways that are hidden to you, until now.
When empathetic daughters of Narcissistic/Difficult mothers work to be good for mom, look good for mom, and make sure mom is good with them… their relationship is unbalanced. They are in danger of being “good” for mom at their own expense.
If you are in this role with your mother, chances are you have fallen into the “Good daughter” trap and suffer from what I call the “Good” daughter syndrome.
How many items on this checklist describe your relationship with your mother?
- No matter how hard you work for Mom’s approval, it’s never good enough. Try as you might, whatever you do, mom weighs in with criticism or ” helpful suggestions”.
- Mom gives you unsolicited advice. She micromanages you and tries to control your life. Mom acts like she is in charge of you into adulthood. She expects you to answer to her and take her advice even when you haven’t asked for it.
- Mom is never wrong and never sorry. You won’t hear, “I was wrong, and you were right”. She just can’t give it to you. By the same token, you won’t hear a genuine apology.
- Boundaries, what boundaries? You have a hard time setting healthy boundaries with Mom and a harder time sticking to them. This is a hallmark of being in the good daughter role. Setting a boundary feels like you are breaking a rule you never knew existed.
- You wish it were different… but you feel responsible for Mom’s happiness. This underlies many of the reasons you have such a hard time setting boundaries and standing up to mom. Deep down, you feel responsible for making your mother happy. If she isn’t happy, you fear it is your fault.
- Mom takes any push back as a rejection of her. Shutting you down, she says something along the lines of, “I was just trying to help. I guess I’m just a horrible mother.” It is almost impossible to have a reasonable conversation with mom. She gets so defensive and upset if you bring things up with her. You feel like it isn’t worth it.
- Mom thinks she knows what is best for you. Always. It goes without question, at least in her mind. There is an unstated rule. Mother knows best. If you imply otherwise, there is hell to pay.
- Although not explicitly stated, making Mom look good and feel good is your job. Whether you are picking out an outfit for a holiday meal, or choosing a profession or mate, you know mom will regard your choice as a reflection on her.
- Standing up to Mom is hard for you. You don’t want to rock the boat. Yep, more than hard, it’s almost impossible. You know the phrase all too well, ” If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. Your mother’s mood sets the tone. You don’t want to mess with that.
- Plagued by self-doubt, you frequently feel guilty and second-guess yourself. It is hard for you to make decisions and feel confident about them. You’ve been taught that you can’t solely rely on your own judgment. You are often seeking external approval.
Do you see yourself in 7 out of the 10 statements?
As a psychotherapist of over 30 years, I keep seeing the same issues and patterns showing up in my most kind and compassionate clients, the daughters who care too much and get too little. I see my clients giving too much and getting too little in their intimate relationships, or feeling like a fraud in their professional lives. When I dig further, I find insecure-anxious daughters who are taking care of, or being good for, mom instead of looking out for themselves. Underlying their self-doubt and low self-esteem is the Good daughter Syndrome.
To see if you are the Good Daughter- go here to take the quiz- It’s quick and it’s free.
Katherine Fabrizio, M.A., L.P.C. has treated adult daughters of narcissistic mothers, trapped in the role of the Good Daughter for over 30 years. Dedicated to empowering these women, she offers online help for clients and training (CE’s) for therapists at Daughtersrising.info. Her book, Daughters Rising: Rising Above the Shame, Guilt and Self-Doubt Mothers Pass Down to Daughters, is available on Amazon. Katherine lives in Raleigh N.C. where she raised two daughters and still speaks regularly with her mother. Do you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome? Find out here!